Life, death , relationships
Havn't used this journal much for awhile... is is perhaps time I did so again for a bit.
Post in response to my girlfirends fetlife writing.
I don't know what these life goals are that don't mesh... I really don't. What I do know is that I love you... unconditionally.... and that I want you to be happy and successful as possible in following your dreams. Certainly I am not standing in the way of career choices. I understand your need for a changing dynamic.... I really do. Other things I don't understand so much. bu tloving yourself, knowing yourself, and dealing with the shadows..... nothing wrong with that, you have to do it the way you do it and it's important. But you don't ever have to face the shadows alone.
What I do know is that you are the second woman in my live... ever... that I have let in far enough to be family. Your mother knew how much we loved each other and was happy to see how much we connected. Such a kind heart. I don't know how I can express how much it pained me to send you off without me and have a friend go with you instead. I wanted to be there. My family loves you, not just my circle of aquired family, but my actual family and my son. Letting people in that far is hard for me after all I have been through.... with you it just happened naturally. I really hadn't thought it would ever happen again. Hell, I think I was probably doing my best to guard against it.
After all you went through last summer I watched you retreat.... into online friends and worlds. We all process differently... i didn't press it.... kinda figured you would come around and talk to me when you were ready. You have from time to time.... But clearly more things have been bothering you.
As for the other person..... there has been a lot of not being open with me about that. I am still trying to figure it all out. I still don't know what this thing you learned about is that was a problem. I do know though that the biggest problem here with us was not enough open communication. And I know our communication with each other has had some crossed wires lately.... I know I am responsible there as well. And frankly dealing with all the crap brought up by the loss of a friend in the middle of it all.... just made it worse.
As for the submission question..... I have never asked for or demanded submission from you. While I may be a top, I have never wanted anything but a full partner who participates as an equal. That said, the trust you place in me when you submit from time to time... I cherish. I guess really though... at the end... I have to realize that the real submission is that I submitted myself to being open and vulnerable to you.... I don't think I thought that was possible again.
My further writings on my own fet page... hoping whe would follow thru and read as I asked.
When I was a kid I skated competitvely and it was amazing, I loved every minute of it. Eventually my coach Chet started to wither away.... cancer if I remember right. He would walk around the rink with his oxygen in tow.... and I would watch my mentor and friend who taught me to love skating and overcome my early health issues to enjoy it.... wither away and die. I remember the funeral service painfully. Those months with him stuck with me....
I took up singing.... my voice teacher Matthew got in a head on car wreck. We went to see the car... the engine block was in the front seat. It was amazing that he lived at all. We went and saw him in the hospital... .the pastors son... his legs up suspended and wrapped in bandages. It was like getting punched in the chest just walking into the room... he was so fraile. But he was inspiring, nothing but love and caring for anyone who came to see him. He recovered eventually... but it was a long road.
I loved my Grandfather, I watched him drift away in his old age. During hunting season we had to argue with him when he wanted us to stop the truck to shoot a deer. There was no deer.... just a stump in a field. He and my dad gave me a love for the outdoors and fishing. I can't pick up a rod without thinking of him. He kept trying to play the harmonica..... he couldn't... kept blaming it on the harmonica.... so he would buy more expensive ones. He died in his sleep..... we went to see Grandma.... I opened the cabinet and dozens of harmonicas spilled out. I still have the one she let me keep. I was just a kid.
I finished high school and spent part of the summer with my older brother and his wife. Something was off but I just couldn't pin it down. I moved to Arizona to go to trade school. During my first term.... he had moved from Portland back to our home town in Oakridge and would commute in his sports car I helped him fix up to Eugene to work.... windy mountain highway we use to drive like we had race cars... we knew that road like the backs of our hands. Coming home to his family at night... he slid around a corner in the rain and hit a mack truck head on in the other lane. I got an emergency flight back to Oregon and stayed with my sister. At the gathering the family tried to do a drug intervention on my sister in law. My sister stepped in.... I could barely fathom what was going on. It seems it was my brother with the addiction. And, he was coming home amped on uppers of some kind to stay awake. I hibernated at my sisters place for two weeks... she would go to work and I would take care of my nephew part of the time... or just hide under a set of headphones at the stereo. I lost my sister in law, and my nephew and niece to that debacle. My sister in law just stopped responding to anyone in the family who tried to reach out. It hurt... she had been my friend in high school.... we took band class together. The relationships have affected my whole family.... I don't know any of us will ever get past it..... it tore us apart. My brother is forever a part of me, his story my own and I will never get past it.
Car wrecks would come back to haunt me. I took up martial arts again after trade school. One of my teachers Robert was a very profound man... and a lakota teacher. I lost track of him in the early 2000's, I was no longer at the dojo and my ex wife moved me to Portland before leaving me. I was to feel blessed however to reconnect with Robert via facebook. I met him for tea.... we just sat and talked. Were putting our heads together to do some charity work. 6 months later the car he was in slid off the road and into a redwood tree killing him. The griefe wasn't as deep.... or so I thought. I handled it well. BUt I think of him often and am constantly astounded by the number of people he had a profound effect on as a Lakotah teacher, spiritual guide, and storyteller. He travelled the world with his performances. His picture hangs in my dojo.... a spiritual look at him as he performed the play Black Elk Speaks.
Then I met a woman....... I havn't let a lot of women in deeply. But I have payed the price with loss when the few I have have left me.... for one reason or another. The divorce devastated me. I didn't think I would ever let anyone in like that again. I was wrong.... I love her deeply and unconditionally. She moved to portland and it grew. She got into a bad room mate situation.... I helped her get out... we moved into a trailer she bought. It was good if a little cramped.... we were out in nature and I grew to love her even more. Then her mother died. Wasting away..... not the same but not too dismillar to my loss of my skating cooach. She agonized over her mothers health, we spent a christmas there... her mother was sweet and thrilled that we clearly loved each other so much. Then she died that summer while we were in the trailer. The woman I love grieved, and all I could do was hold her. I felt every tear, every bit she closed herself off. She retreated into an online world. I tried giving her her space, knowing she would talk to me when she was ready. It was OK, at night I would put my arms around her, she would sigh audibly with her whole body and press herself more deeply into my arms. So I would hold her... and wait. The summer ended.... we moved into a friends house.
I would agonize with worry about my own parents and their health issues. We are slowly losing my dad. It is painful to watch.
She seemed very happy to be in a comforting supporting house... We walked in the snow and ice and slid down the streets. Christmas was amazing. She seemed happy.
Then I couldn't get her to go out to do things with me.... she would put me off. We had some issues recently. At the same time, I attended a funeral for a friend. He barely survived being hit head on by a speeding car that crossed over the center line. Many surgeries later a year after... he died from complications from his last surgery. I would have a nervous breakdown as our relationship issues combined with all the loss of my brother and teachers would come boiling back to the surface. I tried to work through our relationship issues.... she really doesn't want to talk about it.... I get some deep truthes out of her in small bits.... then she closes off.... It seems I am just too entrenched in her head with her mother. And now, I am at a loss..... All I want to do is be there for her, but it seems my presence is part of the issue at the moment.
The concept of losing this woman I never thought I could love like this.....
Among the things I have learned in discussions.... is that at some point last summer she really did reach out to me... about her griefe and her mother and needeed me, she told me she needed me. I held her that night. But I waited after for her to reach out and talk to me. What she wanted was me to follow up with her. Apparently nearly a year later that still hurts her. Examininng myself, I also find she has become the center of my stability, where life had no stability at all for awhile. I have always tried to be the person people can lean on and rely on while being independant. Making myself vulnerable goes against everything I learned surviving growing up. Opening up is never easy.
Yesterday I learned that a very talented young martial artist from my AKANA family whom I met at our gathering last summer ended up upside down in a ravine in his car. A witness had to hold his head out of the water until help arrived apparently. He is currently in the hospital. He was looking forward... training to qualify for the upcoming Olympics which are adding karate to the mix. I hope for a speedy recovery and return to his passion.... when I was younger I bounced, these days I have a hard time recovering.
This one doesn't hit so close to home. But this past year has been tough with peoples accidents and deaths, particularly vehicular related incidents hit very close for me... and the last couple months have been very hard. I'm still raw from the things brought up from my depths by it all. Doing my best to resolve things, especially where I have fallen down on supporting loved ones despite my best efforts when they needed me and I thought I was providing while being patient. Death and losing or nearly losing people that are very important, and the burried issues of that, has been a near constant fixture in my life. Issues that I don't think anyone in my family has dealt with well.
Trying to find my balance again while other life issues are impacted by this one.